Broken – Amended

When my little girl arrived into this world it was the worst possible day of my life. I mean ‘God how can you give me a girl, I can’t raise a girl. Is this some punishment?’I asked with tears rolling down my face. Nothing in me connected to my daughter, everything in me rejected her.

The emotional pain I was in was enough to kill me. The thought of her hating me was so tormenting. Hearing her cry would just cause me to breakdown. She was my little girl, but I just couldn’t love her even though I knew she deserved to be. I had no problem loving my son, so it couldn’t be that I hated children. It was time to face reality if my daughter was ever going to be normal.

As a child I had a hate relationship with my mother, simply because I experienced a lot of abuse in my childhood which she could have prevented and also because she was never ever close to me. All I remember about her attitude towards me is she would just yell if not beat the life out of me.

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I sat down and decided what kind of mother I would be. Was I going to give my children hell on earth or was I going to be the opposite of what I know. My first child was a boy (yey) no confrontation there, but about two years later the test of my words came.

When the midwife smiled “it’s a girl” tears just rolled down my face. You know, if it were possible to reverse time, I seriously would have. I also learned what I had decided on was not going to be automatic; I had to fight for it.

I had about a million reasons why I didn’t want to change the way I was feeling, but then I’d look at my newborn beautiful girl and think of a little me who had to endure all that pain and I knew I had to fight. I had a chance and choice to give my daughter something great. She was still a baby, so in her eyes was still a perfect mother; I wasn’t going to let history repeat itself. In my mind I thought; what if my daughter isn’t as strong as I was? What if she doesn’t make it alive? I couldn’t let the pain of the past be greater than the possibility of love between a mother and a daughter. Although this kind of love had always been a myth to me, for my daughter’s sake I wanted to live in that myth and pursuing this myth gave me a chance to do things differently, to protect my child’s future and her destiny.

Well the fight was not at all physical but all spiritual. It was a generational curse and if it was not rebuked, it would destroy.

I started praying about it and as I prayed I mentioned all those painful events that brought me here and as I mentioned them, I began to relive them. A part of me said its too painful, just quit and then another part of me said ‘remember what kind of mother you want to be, remember you promised yourself that you would be better’

It was a spiritual war that lasted months, until one day the Lord gave me victory. My daughter was about seven months old when I began to love her as a mother should love a daughter, and once the love started, it was unstoppable.

She’s six years old now and what a blessing she is. With her being in my life I learned that love conquers all. We are very different, she is girly where as I grew up a tomboy. She is fashion savvy, when I pick out an outfit; she picks out shoes to go with it for me. She loves lip gloss, says Vaseline isn’t as thick, long lasting or glossy. Her favorite past time is standing in front of the full-length mirror (I am now converted). She loves changing her outfit; she does it at least three times a day. She makes me watch all Barbie doll adverts.

Containment is fear; it wasn’t easy admitting I had a problem that threatened to destroy my motherhood and also that my mother has nothing to do with this, but everything to do with the mother I was to become to my daughter. Yes I never chose the way I was brought up, but I had a choice to be better if not best. It wasn’t easy, it was painful, but we all know that Iva likhishwa ngelinye iva.

You can choose too, to continue living in emotional torment of break free in Jesus. You choose.

New Living Translation (©2007) John 10:10
The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

Be blessed beyond