Psalm 23 A psalm of David – What it means to me.

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

Our Lord guides us where to go, to where he has prepared a future for us. We may feel inadequate for what he wants us to possess or perform, but (I lack nothing) we are sufficient. Although at times it may seem like the path he is guiding us on is full of turmoil and distress, we can have peace, because we are where He wants us (he leads me beside quiet waters).

³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.

While I perform his purpose for my life, He gives me fulfillment. He keeps His eye on me constantly so I do not make mistakes because he is faithful to His word.

⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

Challenges and obstacle will rise against me, my life my even be threatened, but because I am were you called me to be, I am at peace and not frightened as I know in your presence no evil can overcome me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.

As those who hate and persecute me look on wanting to see if their traps and schemes will work, you use it Lord to bless me. You don’t just do well for me, but you do it Lord so abundantly that they can all see that it can only be you who has blessed me.

⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever

All the days I spend in your presence, walking the path you have set for me bring me joy. The more time I spend with you, the more I long for you. I have found no greater joy in life than being where you want me

And out of the rubble came me - a Virtuous Woman.

The greatest challenge I think is overcoming ones family cycle. We know we are made to soar, but the situation around us spells something totally different.

I am no different, I was raised in a family that could have been ok, but because of stubbornness, justification and constant passing of blames we were not.

For 15 years of my life I was made to believe the man I was calling dad was my dad, when in fact he was my stepdad. I am to this day very thankful to God for bringing him into my life. Not only did he play so perfectly the role of a father, but because in my family he is the only one who saw value in me.

This truth I learned about two months after I was raped. I was still dealing with the one issue and just suddenly another appeared. No words can explain the pain I felt. I was so truamatised, I began hallucinating. I felt like a bad child. I felt like I had been so bad that I didn’t even deserve the love I was getting from him. That the one person I loved so much was being taken from me because I was a bad child. I even started believing all the horrible things I was called (not my stepdad) like a curse, a demon etc, things I refused to believe because he always saw value in me. I asked my mom questions, but she wasn’t interested in saying anything.

As a result, my relationship with my now stepdad changed. I wasn’t as open to him as I was before, because I honestly didn’t know how to handle this truth.

And just before my 16^th birthday I was introduced to my dad (photocopy I tell you). We met at church, my mom called me outside and said I want you to meet your dad, took me to this a man and said “here, your dad” and left us there. I looked at this stranger and thought “did you really have to disrupt my life”. He also wasn’t keen on taking the responsibility of being a father, but blew hot air saying this and that and I wasn’t interested.

It was 2002 when we met and it was only last year (2011) that he began taking responsibility.  I called him last year and told him that I forgive him and what he does with it, is his choice. He can be a father to me or continue pretending he doesn’t know me, either way I am ok with it. I was able to say this because I was now fast learning that my past has no authority over my future unless I let it. Can you imagine seeing your father every single Sunday at church but have no relation to him what so ever. So I didn’t want to be in that cycle anymore. I wanted out and it’s also because I was now a parent myself. The funniest thing about this is that my son is best friends with my dad’s son (confused look) and it’s quite obvious that they too look very similar.

A while after my call, he called me back and asked if I was available the following day. I was a bit surprised. He had set a meeting to introduce me to my siblings. I was so nervous, since I was used to rejection, I thought this would be the same. I was happily wrong, I first met my brother and the following day my sister. I also met an extraordinary woman, my step mom. She is so beautiful, inside and out. She welcomed me in her house and made me feel like they’ve known me for years. 

I thank God for sorting is all out, because even the little things we pretend don’t matter, really do. And they are amazing at eating away at ones joy.

One thing I know for sure, I am not ordinary and will never be. Although I can never change my past, I can work on my weak and sensitive areas in order to grow. I know also I can’t keep playing the blame game. Yes it happened, but guess what? I made it, stronger even.  

Genesis 41 ⁵¹ Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” ⁵² The second son he named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.”

Be blessed beyond...

Mrs. B

To me, Boaz isn’t about his influence or his riches as the word of God describes him (Ruth2v1), these two things are bonuses, simply because I work hard and take good care of myself and kids. To me, Boaz is about my second chance at marriage. He is about God blessing me with a husband who will love me, my kids, my past and future.

It has been said to me time and time again, that what I believe in is impossible; I don’t expect people to understand because they don’t know where this desire roots from.

With life experience, I have learned that it is better to have what is pleasing to God, than to have what you think is pleasing. There is a great number of men in the bible and you might wonder why Boaz. Well, it is because my situation is in need of a Boaz. A friend of mine needed and has an Abraham because her situation needs that Abraham type of man.  See, Ruth had land she inherited from her late husband, I too have land I inherited form my ex husband – my kids, so my Boaz will have to take me and my land.

Of cause, I have come across the guardian-redeemer who would be more than happy to have me, but not my kids. For me it doesn’t work like that, it’s all or nothing.

When it comes to God’s favor; reasoning and motivating doesn’t feature anywhere. It is a pure gift; it has nothing to do with ones righteousness. I don’t know what great favor you’re asking for from God today, but just know that your past, shortcomings and all else negative doesn’t influence God’s plans for your life at all.

Read: The book of Ruth

Be blessed Beyond…

Broken – Amended

When my little girl arrived into this world it was the worst possible day of my life. I mean ‘God how can you give me a girl, I can’t raise a girl. Is this some punishment?’I asked with tears rolling down my face. Nothing in me connected to my daughter, everything in me rejected her.

The emotional pain I was in was enough to kill me. The thought of her hating me was so tormenting. Hearing her cry would just cause me to breakdown. She was my little girl, but I just couldn’t love her even though I knew she deserved to be. I had no problem loving my son, so it couldn’t be that I hated children. It was time to face reality if my daughter was ever going to be normal.

As a child I had a hate relationship with my mother, simply because I experienced a lot of abuse in my childhood which she could have prevented and also because she was never ever close to me. All I remember about her attitude towards me is she would just yell if not beat the life out of me.

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I sat down and decided what kind of mother I would be. Was I going to give my children hell on earth or was I going to be the opposite of what I know. My first child was a boy (yey) no confrontation there, but about two years later the test of my words came.

When the midwife smiled “it’s a girl” tears just rolled down my face. You know, if it were possible to reverse time, I seriously would have. I also learned what I had decided on was not going to be automatic; I had to fight for it.

I had about a million reasons why I didn’t want to change the way I was feeling, but then I’d look at my newborn beautiful girl and think of a little me who had to endure all that pain and I knew I had to fight. I had a chance and choice to give my daughter something great. She was still a baby, so in her eyes was still a perfect mother; I wasn’t going to let history repeat itself. In my mind I thought; what if my daughter isn’t as strong as I was? What if she doesn’t make it alive? I couldn’t let the pain of the past be greater than the possibility of love between a mother and a daughter. Although this kind of love had always been a myth to me, for my daughter’s sake I wanted to live in that myth and pursuing this myth gave me a chance to do things differently, to protect my child’s future and her destiny.

Well the fight was not at all physical but all spiritual. It was a generational curse and if it was not rebuked, it would destroy.

I started praying about it and as I prayed I mentioned all those painful events that brought me here and as I mentioned them, I began to relive them. A part of me said its too painful, just quit and then another part of me said ‘remember what kind of mother you want to be, remember you promised yourself that you would be better’

It was a spiritual war that lasted months, until one day the Lord gave me victory. My daughter was about seven months old when I began to love her as a mother should love a daughter, and once the love started, it was unstoppable.

She’s six years old now and what a blessing she is. With her being in my life I learned that love conquers all. We are very different, she is girly where as I grew up a tomboy. She is fashion savvy, when I pick out an outfit; she picks out shoes to go with it for me. She loves lip gloss, says Vaseline isn’t as thick, long lasting or glossy. Her favorite past time is standing in front of the full-length mirror (I am now converted). She loves changing her outfit; she does it at least three times a day. She makes me watch all Barbie doll adverts.

Containment is fear; it wasn’t easy admitting I had a problem that threatened to destroy my motherhood and also that my mother has nothing to do with this, but everything to do with the mother I was to become to my daughter. Yes I never chose the way I was brought up, but I had a choice to be better if not best. It wasn’t easy, it was painful, but we all know that Iva likhishwa ngelinye iva.

You can choose too, to continue living in emotional torment of break free in Jesus. You choose.

New Living Translation (©2007) John 10:10
The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

Be blessed beyond